Carson
Wentz moves from team to team killing all the hope they have much like a shark
moves through the water killing its prey. Additionally, much like a shark, Carson
is also a notorious hunter.
Also let's just call him what he is...Carson
isn’t likable, he’s a backwards hat kind of guy. Sharks also aren’t likable.
Honestly it’s a little surprising Carson still has a job in this league. If the Commanders want to really compete they should turn their sights to the
recently retired market of quarterbacks…needless to say they are going to need
a bigger B.O.A.T.
Justin
Herbert – The Shining
I’m not
breaking any news here, but it seems like Herbert is a bit of an outsider in
his locker room. It has been reported plenty of times that Herbert lacks personality. However he always shows up to put the work in. In The Shining, Jack Nicholson, an author, takes his family to a remote hotel to hopefully cure his writer's block. While he is there a sinister presence within the hotel possesses him into terrorizing his family. Herbert came to the Chargers to hopefully give them something different after all those years of not quite getting there with Phillip Rivers. But it turns out the sinister presence, which is the Chargers organization, possessed Herbert into being the exact same quarterback. Not to mention, the lack of personality, just focused on football...you could say...all work and no
play makes Justin a dull boy.
Russell
Wilson – American Psycho
Have you
ever done anything dangerous? That subway commercial was terrifying, and I was
considering omitting Russ from the list altogether because that was scary
enough as it is. But similar to Herbert, Marshawn Lynch recently talked about
how Russell Wilson alienates himself from his teammates…feels like some psycho
shit to me. Also Russ recently talked about doing four hours of high knees on a flight to London, and it reminds me of the scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale is talking about his daily work out regiment. Plus this quote from American Psycho (which I think is one of the most chilling
horror movie quotes of all time) seems very on the nose for Russell Wilson: "And though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.”
…be careful though…it’s spicy!
Jimmy Garoppolo
– A Quiet Place
Krasinski
is a long way from Jim on The Office, he’s a stone cold hottie which links him
and NFL heartthrob Jimmy G quite well. A Quiet Place is a post apocalyptic movie where the characters have to move quietly and watch their back. Similarly Jimmy G has
Trey Lance looming, he’s really only in the starting role this season because of
Lance’s injury. Jimmy G can’t draw too much attention, he needs to keep quiet
and watch his back.
Daniel
Jones –
The Cabin in the Woods The beginning of this movie feels familiar, almost like something you have seen before, a la Eli
Manning…but the ending is so chaotic and wild. I don’t know if I would consider this movie good…just like I don't know if DJ is good, but I’ll be damned if both of them aren’t
liable to do some crazy shit at the end.
Aaron
Rodgers –
Silence of the LambsSilence
of the Lambs was a great movie back in the day but it’s past it’s prime…so is
Rodgers. Additionally, in
Silence of the Lambs Anthony Hopkins plays a deranged serial killer who famously eats people. I am not suggesting Aaron Rodgers is a
cannibal…but if we were to make a list of all the quarterbacks in the league
and rank them based on which is most likely to eat people…you’re lying to
yourself if Rodgers isn’t in the top three.
Joe
Burrow –
The Lost Boys Joe Burrow is cool. I'm a Browns fan, and let me tell you it's really tough watching a guy from Ohio go to another Ohio team, take them to the Super Bowl and just look super cool doing it. Vampires have to be the coolest of all the monsters. They hang out at night, live forever, never have to look in a mirror...they just are cool.
The Lost Boys is a modern (for the 90's) vampire movie, where a small town in California becomes a haven for vampires. Cincinnati is a long way from California but Joe makes it seem vampire-haven Cali-cool regardless.
Dak
Prescott –
Night of the Living DeadDak
Prescott once stated in an interview that his favorite color was grey, and this
immediately my mind turned to a comparison of a black and white move.
Night of
the Living Dead feels fitting for Dak because he is regularly rising from the
dead. He has experienced a few serious injuries the past couple seasons but
despite how well his backups play there is always a spot for him when he returns
from injury.
Jacoby
Brissett –
The VillageSecond
M. Night Shyamalan movie making an appearance. This movie is pretty fitting
for Brissett too. It isn’t the scariest movie you’ve ever seen but it will give
you a bit of a scare, especially on the first watch. It does all the little
things right, compelling plot, timely jump scares…but it absolutely fails to deliver
at the end. Big time let down at the end of this movie, which has paralleled
Brissett’s season. He has been serviceable and even good at times, but he cannot
bring it home in the final few minutes of a game.
Matt
Stafford –
The Hills Have EyesThe Hills Have Eyes...to give a very basic and brief explanation of the movie; out-of-towners find themselves stranded in the desert hills, where they are terrorized by "hill people." Now...ignoring that last part...Stafford feels like an "out-of-towner" on the Rams. I know he is originally from Florida and payed college football in Georgia, but I really feel like he took on the personality of Detroit. However, those days are in the past, now he finds himself near the Hollywood "Hills" but don't worry Detroit, he still has eyes for you.
Geno
Smith – Secret Window
Oh boy,
this is one of my favorite comps on the list. Geno notably said “they wrote me
off, I ain’t write back though”
Secret
Window is a movie about an author that is accused of plagiarism. On top of
that, the movie reveals that the main character struggles from either dissociative
identity disorder, or some kind of “split” personality where the viewer ends up seeing multiple versions of the main character. Similarly, Geno has looked like a totally
different player this season, unlocking a new version of himself.
Derek
Carr –
Rocky Horror Picture ShowAdmittedly,
I have never seen this movie…but I think that plays into the analogy because
you’re not going to see Derek Carr lighting up the highlight reel very often.
Carr has a following of fans who believe in him, much like the cult following
of RHPS. But I think the most clear and obvious comparison between Carr and
RHPS is the natural eye liner look of Carr, and Frank-N-Furter’s notable make
up/eye liner appearance.
Tua Tagovailoa
–
MidsommarTua fans have coined themselves "TuAnon" giving reference to the cult-like political organization QAnon so naturally I had to draw a connection to a cult-like horror movie. To call Midsommar a "cult" horror movie isn't really doing the movie enough justice but there are a lot of bright colors in the film which also draws a parallel to the Dolphins jerseys. Additionally, there is a sacrificial suicide scene in the movie where all other members of the "cult" act like nothing happened, which draws another parallel to Tua's concussion game, where despite a pretty clear head injury members of the Dolphins just acted like nothing happened.
Like I said, I went with a good amount of Shyamalan movies. The Visit is a 2015 movie where two kids travel to a rural countryside to meet their maternal grandparents for the first time. This movie involves old people, and spending time with family members for the first time, so it has Tom Brady written all over it.
This one was easy.
The Stand is long as fuck, so is Davis Mills neck.
Baker
Mayfield – Orphan
Orphan is a movie where a couple decides to adopt a child, and feel drawn to a girl Ester, who following a series of dangerous events, reveals that she is actually a middle aged woman? I don't know this movie is wild for sure. But big things to focus on..."dangerous events" we all know Baker feels pretty dangerous from time to time. Additionally, Baker feels a little like an orphan in the NFL. Browns sort of kicked him to the curb and now he's really struggling in Carolina...homeboy just can't really find the place he belongs. Honorable Mention: Sam Darnold = Sixth Sense...this one felt pretty obvious. A couple seasons ago when Darnold was on the Jets he played a game where he really struggled against the Patriots and "was seeing ghosts" out there. Plus Sixth Sense is another Shyamalan movie so I had to mention it.
Jared
Goff –
The Devil’s RejectsThe Devil's Rejects is a gritty, grimy, action horror Rob Zombie movie. Similar to Baker, Goff was sort of "rejected" by his former team, even after taking them to a Super Bowl. Suddenly, this Cali-bro was dropped in Detroit, Michigan a town defined by grit and grime. The city of Detroit has a similar personality to the film style of
The Devil's Rejects and I'm really just heavily banking on the word "rejects" since that is the parallel between the film's title and Goff's NFL journey.
Mac
Jones/Bailey Zappe –
The Good Son It's definitely a stretch to consider The Good Son part of the "horror" genre...but considering I decided to include both Mac Jones and Bailey Zappe on this comparison, the parallels for the movie and the quarterbacks felt too good to pass up on. Basic synopsis of this movie, Elijah Wood's character goes to live with his aunt and uncle who are Macaulay Culkin's parents. Turns out Culkin is a psychopath and Wood tries to get his aunt and uncle to realize it before it's too late. Zappe has been the latecomer to the Pats quarterback room, but he has been an electric rod, and it seems the fans are recognizing the problems with Mac Jones, and hopefully by booing him off the field they are trying to get the Pats staff to recognize this before it is too late.
Pickett has boy-ishly small hands...The Omen is about a boy who assumingly also has small hands. The comparison doesn't go much deeper than that, although in The Omen, there are many apocalyptic allusions to the end of times. The Steelers have been an absolute force in the NFL for like 50 years or some shit, and unless Kenny is "the chosen one" he may be the beginning of the end for what has been a remarkably decorated franchise.
In order to save what's left of Matt Ryan's career he should stop at nothing including an exorcism. At this point nothing can hurt or make it worse. Matty Ice is everything but the ice in his veins MVP that he was in Atlanta a few years ago. Nowadays he is getting his head spun around, and tossed like a ragdoll in Indy. So, needless to say, the theatrical, physical, exaggeration of a Matt Ryan getting sacked is reminiscent of Linda Blair's head on a swivel in The Exorcist.
Kirk
Cousins – Sinister
When I think of Kirk Cousins I think of a dad wearing a plaid button down saying to the kids "nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad." So I had to think of a scary movie where being a dad was a big part of it, and I think I nailed it with Sinister. This movie follows a family who moves to a new home and starts experiencing a dark presence. Turns out the dark presence, Bagul, is haunting the kids specifically and possessing them to murder their family. Not only does this movie relate to Cousins because of the family aspect...but I could totally see Kirk getting alpha'd by his kids.
Lamar
Jackson –
HalloweenWith Lamar Jackson as your quarterback the play is never dead. He will resurrect a "should be sack" and turn it into a 50+ yard run or pass. He can do it all, he's dangerous on his feet, as is Michael Myers. No matter how fast others are moving Michael seemingly moves faster, same can be said for Lamar.
Ryan
Tannehill -
CreepCreep is not a popular scary movie but it is one of my all time favorites. I will say that part does not hold true for Tannehill...but the "not popular" part is spot on. Creep is a movie most people don't know about, and Tannehill feels similar because people tend to forget about him or the Titans every single year. Also, Tannehill went to Texas A&M which is hands down the creepiest fan base in college sports.
Jalen
Hurts –
Paranormal Activity This one
was a little tough but I am 31 years old so I was a freshman in college when Paranormal Activity came out and at the time this movie was
terrifying! It was a low budget movie with a pretty “overlooked” cast. Hurts
came into the NFL and from the jump people were overlooking his ability to play
the QB position in the league. He has not only exceeded the expectations that
were set for him but he has established himself as a force in this league.
Paranormal Activity has also established itself in the genre spinning an entire
franchise off of what was initially a low budget overlooked movie.
Marcus
Mariota –
Final DestinationThis one felt a little too on the nose, but Atlanta has to be Mariota's last stop as a starting quarterback in the NFL. Mariota has always been the type of quarterback where if everything around him is going right then he can do pretty well...but as soon as one little thing goes wrong it unravels to a disaster. That pretty much sums up the plot of
Final Destination in a nutshell, one little thing spiraling into a
1000 Ways to Die over-the-top outrageous disaster.
Trevor
Lawrence –
The StrangersThe Strangers is loosely based on the Manson Family Murders. Charles Manson started as a kind of counterculture, hippy whisperer, turning "the summer of love" into a summer of violence. Trevor Lawrence's long hair makes him seem like some tree-hugging hippy degenerate. What self-respecting man has long hair? What's next is that hippy-boy quarterback in Jacksonville going to pierce his nose? God help us all.
Josh
Allen –
Friday the 13th Similar to Patrick Mahomes, and Lamar Jackson, I had to make sure the comparison I made for Josh Allen was involving one of the most recognizable scary movies of all time. So, other than the fact this movie is one of the best, as is Josh Allen right now, Jason Voorhees is an absolute unit. I looked it up, he's 6'5 which ironically is the same height as Josh Allen. I'm not even making this up just to fit my narrative. Don't believe me? Look it up. Google search Jason Voorhees height, then Google Josh Allen's height. See...it's the same. My work here is finished.
The low hanging fruit here would have been to compare Zach Wilson to a movie involving some sort of affair between a younger man and an older woman. A lesser man would have made a comparison like that, but not me. (stay tuned for the next comp which is extremely low hanging fruit) Zach Wilson looks like he's 17 years old.
Disturbia involves a minor on house arrest. Also, maybe I'm misremembering but as much of a delinquent as Shia LaBeouf is in this movie, I don't remember him drinking any alcohol or even coffee? Maybe his character was Mormon? For the sake of the comparison let's pretend his character was Mormon. In that case I totally nailed this one.
Kyler
Murray –
Child's PlayI mentioned it above, but this has to be the lowest hanging fruit comparison on the list. I mean literally the fruit would have to be pretty low for Kyler or Chucky to reach it. This was completely unintentional, but I actually feel like the two of them look a little similar in the above pictures. Kyler is not much bigger than a doll in real life so the comparison here was just too easy to make. Also let's talk for a second about how the
Child's Play poster is braggingly advertising it's three star rating. How many stars was that out of? Cause even if it was out of four stars I feel like that isn't brag worthy. That's 75%. C's get degrees but they aren't put it on a poster and brag about it. But anyway, yes the Kyler and Chucky comparison felt super easy and I couldn't pass up on this one. Also note, Kyler is wearing a "C" on his jersey, does the "C" stand for "Chucky"? Does it stand for "
Child's Play"? People are asking, and therefore I feel it is my cross to bear, to shed light on this development.
-BG
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