Jimmy Haslam...The Devil?

The people are asking…

Now, I’m not a religious guy nor am I interested in “fact checking” something I find to be fictional so there are no promises any of this is biblically accurate. This is just my interpretation of what “the devil” is…and how there are more similarities between the devil and Jimmy Haslam than there should be.

Let's take a look at the 10 most irrefutable pieces of evidence linking Jimmy A. Haslam to the devil himself. 

1. We'll start at the beginning. The Garden of Eden. The biblical start of the human race. This was the birthplace of it all, paradise. And when I say paradise, I’m sure your first thought was “ah…like Northeast Ohio.” Ignoring the obvious similarities, Northeast Ohio is the birthplace of football. It’s where it all started.

The Garden of Eden was a paradise before Satan came in the form of a snake. He used his temptation and charm to manipulate Adam and Eve into committing “original sin” and effectively ruining paradise forever. Slick Jimmy came to The [promised] Land and has been effectively ruining paradise ever since his arrival. Although that greaseball is far from alluring, some would consider his southern charm to have a bit of a tempting appeal.

2. Jimmy Haslam’s wealth was accrued through the Pilot Corporation which is a petroleum company. Petroleum comes from underground, which ironically, is also where the dark under-lord Satan resides.

3. Not only that...but a subsidiary of the Pilot Corporation is Pilot Flying J. Why "Flying J?" It's clear "Flying" is used because the devil is most often depicted with wings, and the J stands for Jimmy. "Flying Jimmy" aka "Devil Wings Jimmy" 

4. Next let's look at the devil’s color…red. Jimmy Haslam held a fundraiser for Senate candidate J.D. Vance who is running under the Republican "red" ticket.

Cleveland Browns co-owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam and Mark Kvamme, the former JobsOhio head under John Kasich, are co-hosting a Sept. 21 fundraiser for J.D. Vance in Columbus.

Proceeds for the event will be split between Vance's campaign, the Ohio GOP and Vance's leadership PAC. pic.twitter.com/5dcOJ7K42N

— Andrew Tobias (@AndrewJTobias) August 31, 2022

Coincidence?

5. There are 12 letters in the name “Jimmy A. Haslam.” There are also 12 letters in the name “Lucifer Satan.”

6. Someone threw a water bottle at Jimmy earlier this season. 

The #Browns have identified and plan to ban a fan who threw a bottle that struck owner Jimmy Haslam late in Sunday’s loss to the #Jets, per sources.

Here’s my video of what could’ve been a dangerous situation. The team is cooperating with authorities. https://t.co/a1mvjAkD9e pic.twitter.com/TwuPxr3655

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) September 20, 2022

As a result, he got so mad he banned the fan from the stadium. Is it possible the reason he was so mad is because he is from hell, where it is famously engulfed in flames, and he was actually just afraid the water was going to put him out? None of us know for sure.

7. Jimmy has three children all of whom share the last name Haslam. Haslam has six letters in it. 6-6-6.

8. Jimbo was born on March 9th 1954 which makes his zodiac sign Pisces, a fish. Now...check this out:

9. The devil has an almost magical charm about him. He is described at various times as being one of God's most powerful angels. Jimmy Haslam is a billionaire, financially he is extremely powerful. Not only that it's almost magical at how poorly he has run the Cleveland Browns since he took over. His ineptitude has to be intentional and otherworldly. 

10. And finally…where was the devil last seen? Going down to Georgia. Guess where Jimmy is headed this weekend? Yup, you guessed it. 

-BG